Of Loss and Broken Promises

[Troy Vortex]

Kavin ran through the woods, ignoring the branches and thorns that tore at his clothes and skin. He came to a small chearing where he fell on his knees. Throwing his head back, he screamed at the top of his lungs until he could scream no more. He then wept so hard he threw up.

Get a hold of yourself, Kavin. You're a Jedi. It's time you start acting like one! He took a few deep breaths, and breathed slowly as he sat back. He centered himself, and began to meditate, taking in a full awareness of his surroundings.

Twenty minutes later, he senses Qui-Gon approaching. He smiles to himself when his friend paused at the entrance to the clearing. He opened his eyes and turned to look at him. "How's Miri?"

Qui-Gon took this as an invitation, and came to sit next to Kavin and sighs. "She is conflicted and at war with herself. Seth's death wounded her deeply. She's hiding from the pain instead of dealing with it."

"Do you have any suggestions how I can help her?"

"Patience."

Kavin smiled. He knew that answer was coming, for it was the answer he had come to himself during his meditation.

"But then you knew that." Qui-Gon chuckled.

"She's lashing out at me because I remind her of that wound."

Qui-Gon nods. "What are you going to do?"

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"I'll abide by her wishes to a point." Kavin answered. "I won't go back into the house until she invites me back. I'll camp out in the front yard until then."

"What if the council calls you back before it comes to that?"

"I'll cross that bridge when or if I come to it. If worse comes to worst, I'll leave the Order. It's what I should have done in the first place when Miri and I married."

"You're a great Jedi, Kavin. You're absense would greatly diminish the Order."

Kavin blushed, and then grinned crookedly. "Let's keep the load below the ankles, Qui-Gon."

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The two laughed, then Kavin sobered. "What happened, Qui-Gon? The last I knew, Miri's pregnancy was going well. They found nothing wrong with the baby in tests they ran. Why did our baby die?"

Qui-Gon took a deep breath and told him what the doctor had said. He told how Miri reacted. "When Seth died, she denied it at first. She just held him to her, saying that he was only sleeping, and wouldn't let me hold him. It wasn't until several hours later she faced the truth."

Kavin closed his eyes and sighed. "I wish I could have been there."

Qui-Gon put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "She knows."

Rising, Kavin nodded. "Well, let's head back before it gets dark."

The two jedi made their way out of the forest, stopping at a brook along the way so Kavin could clean his wounds.

"I thought you were a better woodsman than that." Qui-Gon gently teased when he saw the extent of the cuts and scratches Kavin had sustained.

"I wasn't really paying attention save to keep my eyes from being gouged."

"The path you made was pretty easy to follow."

"It's a good thing for me you weren't a predator then." Kavin grinned.

They collected dead branches along the way as they approached the edge of the woods. With these, Qui-Gon gave Kavin a hand making a lean-to in the vast front lawn of the Horn estate. When they finished, he put a hand on the younger jedi's shoulder. "I need to get back to Corruscant now."

Kavin nodded in acknowledgement. "Thank you, Qui-gon, for everything." With sudden emotion, he hugged his friend. "You are like a brother to me."

Qui-Gon returned the hug. "I feel the same way; for Miri, as well as you."

The brief hug ended, and Kavin replied. "May the Force be with you."

"With you as well, my brother." Qui-Gon then goes into the house to say farewell to Miri and the boys.

[Troy Vortex]

Kavin sat in the lean-to, watching as Qui-Gon came out of the house followed by Miri, who hugged him. He watched as Qui-Gon returned her embrace. Miri's defenses were lowered, and he could sense her feelings: deep, profound sadness and despair; vulnerability; fear of being alone. Even as he sensed Qui-Gon giving her quiet reassurance, he reached out to her through the force.

~~I'm here, Milady. I'll never leave you.~~

Kavin's heart fell as he felt Miri close herself off to him. He watched as Qui-Gon pulled away from her and get into the landspeeder to leave. He watched as Miri folded her arms across her chest as their friend drove away and put her hand to her mouth then covered her face in her both hands. Her body shook as she wept. He wanted so much to go to her, but knew she would only push him away, so he hesitated for just a moment.

I can't just sit here! He got up to go to her, but she looked up to see him rising, and ran into the house, slamming the door behind her.

"Oh, Miri!" He whispered. "I love you. I want only to comfort you, but, all I can do right now it seems is make you feel worse." He sat back down, hard, his heart breaking as the sun started to set.

[Troy Vortex]

Later, Kavin sat meditating as Caylib and Jakob snuck out of the house. He opened his eyes to watch as they walked swiftly toward him, smiling to himself as they looked nervously back at the house, obviously not wishing to be caught by their mother. He saw that both of them carried something in their arms.

Little Jakob stumbled, and Kavin quickly reached out with the force to steady him as he felt his youngest son panic a bit.

"Whew!" Jakob sighed with relief and looked over at his father. "Thank you, daddy."

"You're welcome, son." He spoke warmly as they reached him. He saw Caylib carried a couple blankets and a pillow while Jakob had a plate of food, no doubt what they had for dinner earlier.

"We thought you may be hungry." Caylib spoke quietly as though he expected his mother to hear him, even though they were well away from the house and the windows were closed. "And here are blankets and a pillow for when you go to sleep."

"Thanks." Kavin smiled and gently patted his oldest son's cheek. After Caylib put down his bundle, he pulled him in for a hug. He then took the dinner plate Jakob anxiously proferred to him. "Sit with me, boys."

As he ate, Jakob and Caylib sat silently next to him. Finally, Caylib gathered the courage to ask. "Why are you staying out here, dad?"

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Kavin hesitated before answering. How do I answer honestly without making things worse? He decided to try stalling. "Have you asked your mother that?"

Caylib nodded. "She said to ask you."

Kavin smiled slightly. "Your mom and I, well, we're having a hard time coping with your brother's death."

"But you told us that death is only a pathway to being one with the force. That we should be happy for a loved one whose spirit goes down that path." Caylib frowned.

Nodding, Kavin sighed. "Yes, but sometimes, when that someone is so young and hasn't had time to live, it is hard to rejoice."

"So shouldn't you be inside helping mommy cope with Seth's death?" Jakob asked with then innocent frankness only a youngling could pull off. There was no accusation in his voice, only a sense of puzzled bewilderment.

Kavin carressed Jakob's cheek. "I want to be there, son, believe me."

"So, it's mom who made you leave the house earlier?" Caylib guessed. "Why doesn't she want you here? Doesn't she love you anymore?" His voice was rather anxious.

[Troy Vortex]

Kavin took a deep breath as he hesitated once more. He and Miri had agreed to try to always tell the truth to their children. However, this time the truth could not only scar them, but also turn them against their mother. He wished to do neither. "She loves me still. She... just needs time to heal, and right now, I fear I am part of what makes her hurt."

"I miss mommy." Jakob said as he sat closer to his father.

Kavin put his arm around him and hugged him to him, frowning slightly. "What do you mean, Jake?"

"She's different." The younger sniffled a little bit. "I can't feel her. It's like she's there, but, not there at the same time. When she reads us a bedtime story and kisses us goodnight, I can't feel her love like I did before."

Kissing his son on the top of the head, Kavin sighed sadly as he tried to comfort him. "That doesn't mean she doesn't still love you boys. I think she's trying to protect you from her grief."

"Well she's being stupid and selfish, if you ask me!" Caylib spoke heatedly, his hands tighted into fists. "Doesn't she think we have feelings too? We lost our brother!"

"Caylib." Kavin scolded. "She is your mother. Treat her with respect! She's doing her best."

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Caylib's face blushed red from a combination of embarrassment and defiant anger. "But, she's the adult! She's supposed to be helping us cope."

Tears fill Caylib's eyes and he turns away, not wanting his father to see him cry. He had been trying so hard to be grown up, to be strong like his father. He tried to comfort his mother while his father was still away, but she had remained closed to him, even as she held him. He tried to be strong, but he felt lost and scared.

Kavin did not need to see his son's tears to sense his anguish.

"Caylib." His tone was gentle as he reached out and lifted his eldest son onto his lap and hugged him, rocking back and forth like he used to when Caylib was just an infant.

"I'm s-s-sorry daddy." Caylib wept as he burried his face in his father's shoulder. "I'm not ready... not ready."

"Shh," Kavin continued to rock back and forth. "It's alright." He instinctively knew what Caylib was trying to say; that he was not ready to be grown up, that he was just a child and still needed his mother's nurturing care. "It's alright son. I'm proud of you. You did your best. You're a good son."

Slowly, Caylib stopped crying, and he pulled away from his father's shoulder and wiped his eyes. He saw Jakob staring up at him. Embarrassed, he smiled slightly with a blush. "What are you staring at?"

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Before Jakob said anything, Kavin gently put a finger under Caylib's chin and brought it up so he looked into his eldest's eyes. "It's alright to be afraid, son. Even adults have their fears they have to face."

Caylib nodded, then Kavin continued. "And forgive your mother. She loves you. Never doubt that. She shows it, even though it's hidden. She holds you still, reads you bedtime stories, all the things she's done before."

"It won't always be like this, boys." He hugged them both as he continued. "We'll work this out. We are family. We all love each other. We just have to be there for each other and be patient. Right now, your mother is like the caterpillar that has shut herself in a cocoon. In time, she'll come out of it, and her love will delight us with it's beauty like a butterfly."

As their father finishes his comparison, Miri comes out. "Jakob, Caylib, it's time for bed. Come in to brush your teeth and put on your pajamas."

Kavin gives them both a hug and a kiss. "Go on boys. Mind your mother. And remember. Just love her. It will be alright."

"Yes, father." They say in unison and get up to walk slowly back to the house.

Kavin sighs as he watches them go. It's going to be alright Kavin.

[Troy Vortex]

That night, after he saw the light in the boy's room turn off, he saw the light to the bedroom he would normally be sharing with Miri turn on. He got out the stringed instrument that was given to him as a gift by one of the musisians he'd performed with before falling ill. He gently strummed it as he strolled over to stand under the window. He used the force to guide his hands, and played a familiar melody. Soon he began crooning their song.

Over the next couple days they fell into a pattern. In the morning, the boys would come outside to go to the landspeeder. Either Caylib or Jakob would leave a covered plate hidden in the bushes for their father to come eat once Miri had driven them to school. He would quickly eat the breakfast and then do some work around the house such as fixing the second step on the porch, or replace some tiles on the roof. By the time she got home, he would just be finishing up the work. He nodded to her and went back to his lean-to after putting away the tools in the shed. After dinner, the boys would bring a plate out to him, and they'd sit and talk to him about how the day had gone. After the boys went to bed, and Miri turned on her light, he would sing under their window until the light was turned out. He would then reach out to her and send a force message.

~~I love you, Milady.~~

He would then go to sleep in his lean-to.